


At First I Thought You Were a Constellation

by sleepingplanets



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: First Love, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Just to be safe, M/M, Mutual Pining, Spirits, Supernatural Elements, slight angst but only a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29357235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepingplanets/pseuds/sleepingplanets
Summary: The night Akaashi Keiji showed up on his father’s doorstep, a tiny crying bundle in an equally small basket, the man was beside himself. He knew exactly where the baby came from and for a moment he was terrified. What was he supposed to do? Why would the mother just drop him off like this? It wasn’t until Keiji opened his eyes, the dark pools of ebony brimming with tears did the elder Akaashi stop to pause.He remembered those eyes. In them, he saw constellations. He saw long nights spent under the stars, secrets and confessions whispered and caught between soft lips and pale skin that glowed under the moonlight. The man’s lips quivered.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	At First I Thought You Were a Constellation

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my contribution to the HQ fandom. This is has been some time in the making and I hope you enjoy it! Please leave some comments, I love hearing what you think about my writing! :D <3
> 
> The title is from the song "Venus" by Sleeping at Last.

The night Akaashi Keiji showed up on his father’s doorstep, a tiny crying bundle in an equally small basket, the man was beside himself. He knew exactly where the baby came from and for a moment he was terrified. What was he supposed to do? Why would the mother just drop him off like this? It wasn’t until Keiji opened his eyes, the dark pools of ebony brimming with tears did the elder Akaashi stop to pause. 

He remembered those eyes. In them, he saw constellations. He saw long nights spent under the stars, secrets and confessions whispered and caught between soft lips and pale skin that glowed under the moonlight. The man’s lips quivered.

Kneeling down, he picked up the soft bundle of blankets and rocked the baby gently in his arms, the cries finally calming down into little sniffles. Pushing the fabric back, he took a good long look at the small face. The tiny human looked just like he did when he was younger. His skin was pale, his hair jet black, his nose sharp. But when he opened his eyes... 

It was all her. Dark gray, like metallic gunmetal but still shining with life and lustre. He had his mother’s eyes through and through. It brought fresh tears to the man’s eyes. Glancing down, he spotted a small moonstone in the basket where the baby had been. Tied to it was a note, the letters written in curly gold ink.

_ My love, _

_ I’m sorry for leaving him like this, but he will be safer with you than with me.  _

_ His name is Keiji. He is my sun and stars.  _

_ I love him with every ounce of my being. He looks just like you. _

_ Please protect him for me. _

The man looked up at the full moon high in the sky, the tears now freely falling down his face. He was looking for a sign, anything that could mean the love of his life was somewhere nearby. All he was met with was the silence of the night, the cool November breeze, and the quiet, haunting moonlight. Several tears landed on the baby’s face and he cooed as he reached his plump arms up for his father. 

The man finally looked down at the baby again. He couldn’t help himself. 

He held the baby closer in his arms and slowly got up. He brought both the child and the moonstone into his home. Leaving the stone and note on the mantle of his fireplace, he moved to sit on the couch and that’s where he stayed for what felt like hours. The child eventually fell asleep in his arms but the man couldn’t tear his eyes away from him, as if the tiny human would disappear right in front of him if he were to look away. The man sighed deeply as he patted the child’s soft black hair, the strands soft like downy feathers.

“Keiji…” he whispered into the silence of the room. The only light they had was one muted floor lamp and the soft gray light of the moon streaming in through the window. For the first time that night, the man felt a smile spread across his face as he stared at the baby in admiration. “My sun and stars.” 

~~~~~~

Akaashi Keiji was 13 when he realized that something wasn’t quite right with him. Not only did he have to deal with puberty and the absolute nightmare that was, but he noticed strange new habits he’d developed seemingly out of nowhere. 

He had not yet let go of the idea of ever meeting his mother. Every full moon, he found himself staring out his window. He wasn’t sure who he was praying to but he begged the heavens above that they would bring his mother back to him, for them to meet in person at least once. 

Keiji always slept soundly since childhood. He welcomed the dark coolness of the night, feeling safe in it’s shadows. There were nights however, where he found himself not wanting to rest. During those times, Keiji’s father would find him in the backyard, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he stared longingly into the sky. On nights where the moon wasn’t visible, Keiji would whisper to the stars, quietly pleading for some answers to who he was. One night, his father came down and sat next to him. The silence hung between them until Keiji’s father let out a deep breath. 

“You know, your mother was a strange one, but there was no doubt that she loved you,” he said, glancing down at Keiji. 

“Really?”

The man hummed and looked back up at the night sky with a yearning so deep, that it made Keiji’s chest tighten, even if he didn’t understand why at the time. “Yes,” he said softly. “When you were born, your mother called you her sun and stars.” He chuckled, a few stray tears sliding down his cheeks. “I miss her.”

~~~~~~

His mother was alive, Keiji could feel it. She was somewhere and it always felt like she was watching over him but it never felt like enough. His father was no help either. The only thing he ever said about Keiji’s mother was that she was a tall, beautiful woman, and that Keiji had her eyes. He didn’t know where she was or what happened to her but he knew that she was going to show up again one day. 

Keiji stopped believing in that last bit when he turned 15 but it never stopped him from wishing. For his sake, but mostly for his father at this point. There were times when he caught the older man staring at him, a distant look in his eyes as if he were seeing through Keiji. When asked why, the older man would always sigh and rub Keiji’s hair, fingers threading through the dark strands. “There are days where, when I look at you, I see her.” 

When he was younger, Keiji never understood why. Every time he looked in the mirror, he saw the spitting image of his father. It wasn’t until he was a teenager did he realize that his father had brown eyes, pools of dark honey that shone in the sun like embers. That was the only thing setting them apart. 

It broke his heart to admit but he tried not to look at his father in the eyes as much after that, knowing that every time he looked at Keiji, the man saw the eyes of someone he lost. His father never said anything about it and Keiji became silently grateful as the years went by. 

~~~~~~

Keiji was 16 when he met Bokuto Koutarou and for the first time in his life, he felt like he had just woken up from a deep sleep. He remembers walking into the gym, anxious and shaking as he was about to meet the volleyball club members. (His dad insisted that he take up a sport. Something about it being fun and a good outlet for his social anxiety.) He was immediately doused in liquid gold when Koutarou turned to him. 

It was his eyes. They were two dazzling golden gems set on a handsome, young face. His eyes crinkled when he smiled, sometimes disappearing altogether as his mouth widened, showing a set of pearly teeth. Is this what it was like to stare into the sun? 

Keiji actively chose to ignore the spiky gray hair atop the others head as he respectfully bowed to his seniors and introduced himself. Koutarou wasted no time running up to him.

“AGASHIII!”

Keiji was left in awe and bewilderment. He played with his fingers, a habit that his dad says he’s been doing forever. “It’s Akaashi,” he said softly, face as composed as he could make it. He didn’t know how to handle Bokuto Koutarou. The energy he gave off was palpable, heat radiating off of him in waves.

Said boy threw his head back and laughed. “Ok, Kaashi! It’s great to meet you! Did you say you were a setter? That’s so cool! I know we’re going to make a great team! How long have you been playing? What middle school did you go to?”

Keiji felt his head spinning at the sheer amount of questions as well as being called “Kaashi,” but he found himself answering back to all of Koutarou’s questions with ease and control. Koutarou listened intently to everything he said, eyebrows rising and falling dramatically as he did so. 

Practice started soon after and while Keiji didn’t have much trouble keeping up with the other boys, seeing Koutarou in action was different. It was as if he transformed. Long gone was the silly looking, head spinning, loud mouth that Keiji just met 15 minutes ago. Instead, in his place was a tall, proud athlete who still wore Koutarou’s face and spoke with Koutarou’s voice but he was more focused. He moved and jumped with a speed that took Keiji’s breath away. Koutarou was a shooting star. He burned the image of seeing Koutarou play for the first time into his mind. 

~~~~~~

He didn’t know how he felt about Koutarou exactly but Keiji knew that he liked being around the older boy. Despite being his upperclassman, Koutarou was constantly asking for Keiji’s opinions and praise and it would’ve been even stranger to Keiji had he not grown used to Koutarou’s personality. The older boy was bright and cheerful and Keiji liked the way Koutarou made his insides feel warm whenever he threw a wide, toothy grin at Keiji or complimented his sets. Even when Koutarou became detached and frustrated during games, Keiji would go out of his way to try and lift his captain’s spirits (even if it meant telling little white lies or over exaggerations about how many people were actually paying attention to him at games). Keiji would do just about anything to keep Koutarou at his best. 

Keiji doesn’t know exactly when his feelings became more than just friendly with Koutarou. It felt natural and gradual. He could list so many moments that might have contributed to this outcome. Koutarou would walk as far home with Keiji as he could after practice before he would eventually have to start making his way to his own house. Koutarou excitedly brought him a sandwich for lunch every few days despite Keiji always bringing his own lunch from home because Koutarou was always worried that he wasn’t eating enough. Their private practices that sometimes last for hours into the night because no one else had the patience to put up with Koutarou. They way Keiji felt the skin of his hands tingle every time Koutarou high fived him or the shiver that began running up his spine when the other would casually place an arm around his shoulder. It could’ve been any one of those reasons, but if someone were to ask Keiji what the most special moment to him was, he’d know what to say.

Koutaro was walking him home again on a crisp autumn evening, the sun setting after a long practice session. They walked in a comfortable silence, which wasn’t usual for Koutarou but Keiji isn’t complaining. Nothing had gone wrong that day for Koutarou to suddenly be upset. Maybe Koutarou had flunked another math quiz?

Before long, they made it to Keiji’s house. Keiji turned to him, face as stoic as ever. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Bokuto-san,” he said, just as he did everyday. The older boy was silent and that’s when Keiji began to worry. Koutarou kept staring at him, an unknown look in his wide yellow eyes. “Bokuto-san, is something wrong?” 

Suddenly, Koutaro’s gaze became more tender and Keiji felt his chest tighten. He watched a grin grow across Koutarou’s face and the older boy let out a sigh. “You have really pretty eyes.”

Keiji could feel the blush rising up his neck and his breath caught in his throat. “What?”

Koutarou shrugged nonchalantly, but Keiji caught the brief flash of panic in his eyes as he shifted his gaze to the ground. “It’s just the truth. You’re very pretty.” Awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck, Koutarou took a few steps back. “I’ll see tomorrow,” he said softly before turning and making his way home, leaving a stunned Keiji behind him. 

~~~~~~

Akaashi Keiji was 17 when he fell in love.

It was both sudden and expected. In hindsight, Keiji should’ve seen it coming. Koutarou treated him differently from everybody else. He loved physical contact and praise but it wasn’t until another teammate mentioned casually that Koutarou only asked for it from Keiji did the younger boy grow suspicious. Since then, Keiji began paying more attention to Koutarou and how he behaves when Keiji is around. While Koutarou was a naturally touchy person, Keiji noticed how Koutarou’s hands seemed to linger a second longer than they needed to when he went to give Keiji a high five. Sometimes he would intertwine their fingers in excitement after a good spike. Koutarou would also stand really close to Keiji, their shoulders sometimes brushing slightly but neither one of them moved away. 

The cherry on top was when him and Koutarou shared their first hug. It was after a particularly grueling away game, and Koutarou had grown more than a little frustrated with how he was performing that day. By the third set he was able to pull himself together (with a lot of help from Keiji) and landed the winning spike, leaving the opposing team in shock at the sudden mood swings that they just witnessed coming from one person. At the sound of the whistle and the cheers of his team and the crowd, Keiji only had half a second to prepare himself before Koutarou had him wrapped in a bone crushing hug. Lost in the frenzy and euphoria, the only thing Keiji could do was hug Koutarou back with as much energy as he could muster, letting out a yelp when Koutarou suddenly picked him up and spun him around twice.

When Koutarou put him down, Keiji was dizzy from both the spinning and just from looking at Koutarou. Despite the fact that he was sweaty from playing three sets and his meticulously styled hair was falling apart, he was beautiful. His smile was wide, his voice loud and boisterous as he yelled and cheered with the team. When they made eye contact again, Keiji was overwhelmed with how much life and affection Koutarou looked at him with. Everything Koutarou did was honest, passionate, and unapologetic and Keiji was helplessly enamored.

After that, Keiji had a feeling that maybe, just  _ maybe _ , Koutarou felt the same way about him. Even so, he wasn’t one to get his hopes up. He thought it would be better for both of them if he never acted upon his feelings on the off chance that maybe he really isn’t as good at reading Koutarou’s actions and intentions as he had thought. 

It wasn’t until the team attended a summer training camp did Keiji finally get answers. They were staying for a week at a school a few towns away from home along with a few teams from neighboring school districts. It started off pretty normally, as every training event did. Koutarou stole the spotlight and Keiji was more than happy to give it to him. Koutarou became dejected and only Keiji could save him. Koutarou was loud and Keiji was his quiet shadow. This was nothing new.

Nothing changed until it was their last night of the training camp, their bags packed and ready for the long bus ride back home the next day. Keiji couldn’t sleep. For a while, he allowed himself to listen to some podcasts on his headphones, hoping the steady noise would shut his brain off but it was to no avail. He tried different positions, flipping his pillow over, sleeping on his stomach but nothing worked. He wasn’t used to this. Normally sleep came to him like a bee to honey. Groaning softly in surrender, he stood up and wrapped his thin blanket around his shoulders and made his way out of the room he shared with the team.

The school building was eerie at night but Keiji wasn’t too uncomfortable with it. As he walked down a long hallway, wide windows let in the faintest summer breeze and the full moon shone through, illuminating the tiles on the floor. It was a beautiful night. 

He made his way outside, not really sure where he was going but he knew he wanted a large open space, one where he could sit and clear his head. Sitting down on a grassy part of the schoolyard, Keiji let out a deep sigh and did what he always did on nights like these.

“How was your day, mom?” he asked, looking up at the moon. Silence answered him back. Keiji scoffed. “Why do I still bother doing this?” he muttered, “Here I am, almost an adult and I’m still talking to the moon thinking you’re somewhere out there listening to me. It’s stupid.” He wrapped his arms around his knees. “My day was ok, thank you for asking,” he added sarcastically. “I played a few really good games.”

“Who are you talking to?”

Keiji jumped, startled at the voice behind him. Koutarou stood there, staring at him curiously. His hair was down and it looked so soft, Keiji just wanted to feel it for himself and his golden eyes seemed to glow in the dark. 

Keiji shook his head and said, “Oh, nothing, no one. I just talk to myself sometimes.” He could feel the heat rising up his neck and settling in his cheeks. Of course it would be Koutarou who would come and find him. “What are you doing up, Bokuto-san?”

Koutarou shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. I saw you leaving and when you didn’t come back, I wanted to make sure you were ok. Can I sit?” he asked, pointing to the empty spot near Keiji.

The younger boy nodded and Koutarou settled down with a sigh. They sat in a comfortable silence for a bit, the sounds of the night all around them as crickets chirped, owls hooted, and the cool summer breeze rustling the leaves in a nearby tree. 

Before long, Keiji sighed again. “You can go back to bed, Bokuto-san. I’m ok.”

“Yeah, you say that but you look way too lost in your own head.” 

Keiji turned to face him, his eyebrows raised slightly. His face relaxed into an easy smile. “You know, sometimes I forget how aware you can actually be,” he said softly. “I was just thinking about my mom,” Keiji explained after a beat of silence.

Koutarou hummed. “Still wondering about her?” he asked. Keiji knew he wasn’t trying to be rude about it. There have been many times where Keiji has confided in Koutarou about his mother.

“I’ll always wonder about her. It’s weird, but I feel like I’m going to meet her soon. Or maybe I’m finally going crazy,” Keiji scoffed.

Koutarou shook his head dramatically. “Akaashi going crazy? Impossible, your brain is hardwired to stay calm and collected at all times.”

Keiji chuckled. “Yeah, I wish I could solely focus on volleyball like a certain someone,” he joked, side eyeing Koutarou.

Koutarou feigned offense, placing a hand dramatically over his chest. “Akaashi, give me some credit! Volleyball isn’t the only thing that runs through my head,” he exclaimed, eyes dancing in the moonlight.

“Oh yeah, what else goes through that bird brain of yours?” Keiji asked, a laugh building up in his chest.

Koutarou huffed and held up four fingers. “It goes volleyball, you, food, my family and friends.” 

Every muscle in Keiji’s body froze at that second example. He refused to look at Koutarou, afraid that the other boy could see the blush building on his cheeks even in the dark. “Me?” he asked back, voice barely above a whisper. Keiji’s hands began to shake slightly.

Keiji couldn’t see it but it was Kotarou’s turn to look embarrassed. Inhaling, Koutarou tilted his head back and looked up at the stars surrounding the moon. An eternity seemed to pass before Keiji heard him exhale. 

“I think about you a lot,” he finally said, the faintest twinge of nervousness coloring his voice. 

Keiji finally mustered up the courage to look at him. Koutarou was already staring back at him, his posture relaxed but in his eyes, Keiji could see how much it cost him to actually admit that out loud. He was afraid, worried that Keiji would leave him right there, that they would never speak again, that this was the end of the volleyball team and any sort of relationship they have together. 

Keiji began fiddling with his fingers again, and not for the first time, Koutarou has left him almost speechless. “How so?” he finally said once his mouth caught up to his brain.

Koutarou’s gaze dropped down to Keiji’s hands. “Well…” Koutarou started, “I think about what other foods you like to eat other than sandwiches and onigiri. What your eyes might look like when you first wake up in the morning. I think about running errands with you but also lazing around with you while you read. I want to do everything and nothing with you. I think about what it would be like if you looked at me the way I looked at you.” He paused and began reaching over. “Also, I think it’s cute that you play with your fingers when you’re nervous.” There was a beat of hesitation before Koutarou placed a tentative hand over Keiji’s shaking ones.

Keiji felt calloused fingers slide over his hand and he gave a slight squeeze before Koutarou began pulling back. It was only then did Keiji begin to panic. He didn’t know what to do. This was everything he had wanted and he was clueless on how to react. Acting on instinct, Keiji grabbed onto Koutarou’s hands between his and held it tightly, not willing to let go. Not when the person he cared for the most was being this open and vulnerable with him. 

Koutarou seemed just as surprised when Keiji held his hand in both of his. They simply stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, neither willing to break eye contact first, both afraid that it’ll break whatever spell they were under. Keiji felt his lips move on their own. 

“I- I want the same,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. Tentatively, he let go of Koutarou’s hands and slowly brought his own hands up to cradle Koutarou’s face. Keiji saw so many emotions run through Koutarou’s face at once. There was nervousness and fear in his bright eyes but Keiji could see him fighting to not lean into Keiji’s touch. 

“Do you really?” Koutarou asked, and Keiji has never heard his voice sound that soft and he did the only thing he could think of at the moment. He kept his hands on Koutarou’s face and leaned forward, pressing his lips against the other’s. It was chaste and soft and Keiji didn’t want to linger any longer than he thought he was allowed. He pulled back and dropped his hands and for a quick, terrifying moment, he thought it was all over for him and Koutarou. No more playing on the same team, no more late practice sessions, no more peaceful walks home, no more extra sandwiches, nothing. Keiji wanted to cry and he could just feel the choking sob building up in his throat.

“If you regret anything, now is the time to tell me,” Keiji said, voice shaky. He felt a warm stray tear fall down his cheek.

Koutarou’s eyes were wide again but only for a split second before they crinkled around the edges like they always do when he smiles. Before Keiji could react, Koutarou pressed their lips back together. This kiss was different. Koutarou kissed him with the warmth of the sun. It was all the care and affection and sweetness Keiji could ever want, spread over his lips all at once. Heat spread across his face and for a second, the world went blissfully silent.

He didn’t realize he was crying until Koutarou pulled away and began gently wiping at the tracks on Keiji’s cheeks. “I’m sorry,” Koutarou whispered. “Was that too much?”

Keiji shook his head and let out a choked laugh. He was happy, so very happy and it showed in his eyes despite the tears that fell down his cheeks. “No, not it wasn’t. It was everything I’ve wanted for so long,” he murmured before pulling Koutarou back to his lips.

~~~~~~

They fell into a comfortable relationship. No one on the team was surprised when, roughly a month after they had started dating, Koutarou loudly announced to the whole team that Keiji was his boyfriend before immediately wrapping his arms around the younger man, lifting him off his feet. Keiji blushed furiously as his teammates congratulated him and Koutarou for finally, as Konoha politely put it, “pulled their heads out of their asses and admitted they liked each other.” Was Keiji that obvious with his feelings?

Keiji’s dad was even less surprised than his teammates were when Keiji brought Koutarou home one evening, introducing him as his boyfriend. “Keiji, if you were straight, you would’ve brought a girl home by now,” his dad had said and once again, Keiji could feel the heat building up in his cheeks. They had been getting ready for dinner, Koutarou setting the table while Keiji and his dad ladled out hearty bowls of curry and rice and Koutarou still laughs when he thinks back to that moment.

In return, Koutarou’s family accepted Keiji with open arms. The Bokutos were a loud and boisterous family and dinners with them felt chaotic and messy but Keiji found himself loving every moment of it. Maybe it was because he was so used to being around Koutarou that it prepared him well enough to handle his whole family. Also, despite the fact that he loved his father to death, this is what he imagined a complete family to feel like. Parents with their kids, siblings making fun of each other, dinners together every night. Yet, here he was, an only child with a mother who he wasn’t even sure exists.

At some point, the thought of his mother needed to stop bothering him so much. But was it so wrong to want to know the woman who created him? Keiji didn’t think so. Koutarou didn’t seem to think it was weird either. It had gotten to the point where even Koutarou had grown curious about Keiji’s mother. But as their relationship continued, Keiji found it easier to put the thoughts of his mom at the back of his mind. He had found love in Koutarou and it was more than enough for Keiji.

Being Koutarou’s friend was already pretty easy but being his boyfriend somehow felt even easier. Keiji’s routine didn’t change at all. Except now he gets to go on dates, kiss his captain, and cuddle during movie nights. They still walked home together everyday after school and practice. Sometimes, they would take the long way around, watching the sunset together behind the houses, their fingers intertwined. Koutarou was the sun and Keiji was the hopeless planet revolving around him. 

As the year went on, things got both simpler and harder. Keiji was expecting to be more upset upon Koutarou’s graduation but he couldn’t help the proud and happy tears that streamed down his face when he saw Koutarou running up to him after the ceremony, face beaming and diploma in hand.

“AKAAAASSSSHHHIIII!!!” was all he heard before he was picked up and spun around. When Akaashi looked down at his smiling boyfriend, he was immediately engulfed in light. Bokuto looked at him with such reverence that could make the angels weep. His eyes crinkled, his mouth wide, teeth bared to the world. Akaashi couldn’t help himself from holding Koutarou’s face in his hands and watching his love lean into his touch. It was soft and more meaningful than anything else in the world. Soft lips fell onto his and he sighed a soft and silent prayer that this would last forever.

When Koutarou moved away for college, Akaashi was lost for what felt like an eternity. With the third years gone, he was bumped up as the new captain of the team, a role that he wasn’t sure he quite fit into. He didn’t have Koutarou’s bombastic personality or show stealing skills. He was too quiet and mild. Personally, it never sat right with him as a captain. Leaders were supposed to be able to draw the crowds and encourage the team. Akaashi wasn’t good at either of those things and he let Koutarou know about it in their nightly video calls.

“Do you think you’re trying too hard to be like me?” Bokuto asked one night. He was laying on the small bed in his dorm room, stretched out and relaxed after a long day. Akaashi wanted nothing more than to touch him. “Because I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

Keiji pondered the thought. He was so used to following Koutarou’s lead, being the quiet shadow behind a looming figure. He knew he could never match Koutarou’s energy but maybe, just maybe, he didn’t have to. 

When Keiji didn’t answer right away, Koutarou continued on, voice lazy. “You were a good vice captain because you were quiet. You’re collected while I was a mess. You were calm when I wasn’t. You were a grounding presence and I think that’s more important to a team than someone who’s constantly exciting.”

Keiji couldn’t help but scoff in disbelief. “You attend college for a few months and now you’re so smart.” He laughed at the mock offense that painted Koutarou’s features. 

“AKAASHI, I’ve always been smart!” he exclaimed and they both fell into fits of laughter. 

~~~~~~

On weekends where he was free, Keiji would take the train to the university and spend his time there. Koutarou would meet him at the station and as soon as Keiji stepped off the train, he would find himself wrapped up in strong arms and held close to a warm chest. Koutarou always smelled like figs and sandalwood (Keiji had picked the shower gel himself one day when Koutarou couldn’t make up his mind). It was something so clean and familiar that it brings Keiji’s heart to ease immediately.

They would go out for food and shopping or just walk around the city, the crispness of fall settling into their skin. At night, the hustle and bustle of the city would melt away as they came back to Koutarou’s dorm. They’d keep the lights muted, usually only two lamps illuminating the space. Dinner was always an event. Koutarou was a good, but messy cook and Keiji found himself doing most of the cleaning, not that he particularly minded. It felt good to fall into a routine again with Koutarou. Soft jazz music always flowed from one of their phones, the calming sounds of Chet Baker and Bing Crosby filling the tiny kitchen. At least once during the process, Koutarou would reach over and take Akaashi’s hands into his, pulling the smaller man closer. With a kiss on the lips, Koutarou would begin to lead Keiji into a terrible rendition of the waltz. Their steps were messy and Keiji would always accidentally kick Koutarou in the shin a few times but that’s ok. Koutarou still twirled him around and serenaded him, voice exaggerated in its deepness because he knew it made Keiji laugh. Their performance always ends with another kiss and a chuckle shared between their lips. It was beautiful and simple and sweet.

In the darkness of Koutarou’s bedroom, a single desk lamp illuminated two bodies moving together in worship of the other. Koutarou brought both of Keiji’s hands together and up to his lips, the gesture small but loud. The hands that he trusted in his past are his to hold forever. 

He planted kisses across Keiji’s face. His temple for his thoughts. His cheeks for the way they turn pink whenever Koutarou was intimate with him. His nose because he liked the way Keiji would scrunch it up afterwards. His lips for when he whispered Koutarou’s name in the darkness like a secret. His hands ran up and down Keiji’s back, the skin under his shirt warming up to the touch.

Keiji would return the favor with steady fingers running through Koutarou’s hair, the thick strands soft to the touch. Reverent hands ran down the muscles of Koutarou’s arms, fingers tracing the smooth hills and lines of veins, working their way down the body he loved so much. He placed kisses against Koutarou’s thighs, planting seeds of devotion into the skin where they would bloom into petals of purple and blue. Lips against skin, the sharp drag of teeth, the wandering of hands, and the sighs of lovers. 

“I love you,” Koutarou said against his lips. 

“I love you too.” There was no hesitation.

This is what it was like to humanize the divine.

It was a fleeting thought that Keiji had when Koutarou entered him while whispering sweet nothings into Keiji’s ear; soft praises and quiet sounds of content. His arms held Keiji close to him, guarding him from the world. They had nowhere to be and nothing to prove. And so they moved together, bodies languid and souls intertwining again. 

Outside, the moon shined brightly in her quiet grace. Inside the small bedroom, a universe was being created.

~~~~~~

_ Research has shown that most, if not all stars, come in pairs. Two twin flames within the vastness of outer space. While most stars and their companion stay together for their lifetimes, others become separated with millions of miles and years in between them. The idea that multiple stars are born together implicates even stranger ideas about the very origins of galaxies, and thus, the origins of man. _

~~~~~~

Keiji became sick a week before his 18th birthday. 

What he thought was just a fever turned into a fire that felt like it was melting the very bones in his body. After the second day, his father, sick with worry, finally had enough and brought him to the hospital, but it was of no use. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him and sent him home with fever reducing medicine. As the days passed, Keiji became exhausted and listless. He slept through the nights and dreaded the mornings. The sun became too bright for him and so he shut her out. He ate less and less. 

Koutarou came to see him the day before his birthday. He wrapped Keiji in his arms as he always does, hand rubbing his back slowly. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered against Keiji’s forehead, lips pressing into the skin between sentences. “I should’ve come sooner.”

Keiji smiled weakly, hating every minute that he was forced to see Koutarou upset about something that was out of his control. “Exams come first,” he said, voice small. “School is important.” It felt like his lungs were going to collapse every time he spoke.

Koutarou looked at him incredulously. He maneuvered Keiji so that the younger man was cradled gently against his chest. They sat there for what felt like hours before Koutarou spoke again. “You are more important,” he said, voice low in his chest.

And Keiji believed him.

Koutarou stayed by his side that night. He spoon fed soup into Keiji’s mouth, coaxing him to take one more sip right after the other. As the day drew to a close, Keiji became more and more tired. His father came in to check on them throughout the day, his brow creased in constant worry. He thanked Koutarou for being there but the apprehensive lines in his face did not disappear. 

Keiji and Koutarou were cuddled together underneath the blankets when Koutarou had an idea. Unwinding himself from Keiji, he began rummaging through his overnight bag and pulled out a well wrapped present. 

“Seeing as how it’ll be your birthday in a few hours, I think it’s ok to give this to you now,” he muttered softly, placing the gift in front of Keiji who slowly tore the paper open. “I know how much you like poetry.”

In Keiji’s hands, bound in gorgeous green leather was a collection of poems. In gold lettering on the front cover, it read, “The Complete Collection of Romantic Poetry: From Byron to Wordsworth.” It was heavy in Keiji’s hands and as he flipped through the pages, he relished in how clean and neat they were. He couldn’t wait to fill this with notes and bookmarks. 

Looking up at Koutarou, he wished he had the strength to jump up and kiss the man senseless but all he could manage was a soft and sincere “Thank you, Kou. I love you so much.” 

Said man leaned down and kissed him on the lips sweetly. “Want me to read a poem to you?” he offered.

Keiji nodded before flipping through the book until one caught his eye. Handing it over to Koutarou, he watched his love skim the page with his gaze before clearing his throat and beginning. 

“Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art-

Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night

And watching, with eternal lids apart,

Like nature’s patient, sleepless Eremite,

The moving waters at their priestlike task,

Of pure ablution round Earth’s human shores,

Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask, 

Of snow upon the mountains and the moors- 

No- yet still steadfast, still unchangeable,

Pillow’d upon my fair love's ripening breast,

To feel forever its soft fall and swell,

Awake forever in a sweet unrest,

Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,

And so live ever- or else swoon to death.”

Koutarou closed the book softly and gazed at Keiji, who was looking at him with such soft tenderness that it could make the most tough man hesitate to speak. “I’m not going to pretend like I understood what I just read,” Koutarou said, looking down and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Keiji laughed, the most joyous sound Koutarou had heard him make all day. He gestured for Koutarou to come closer before speaking. “The narrator is talking about how he wishes he could be as strong and fixed as a star in the sky, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. He doesn’t care about spending an eternity alone, observing the Earth and everything that happens on it. Instead, he wants to live forever down here, with his lover. If he could, he would spend an eternity beside her, listening to her breathing and feeling the rise and fall of her chest. There, he could be content and happy forever. If he can’t have that, he would rather die.”

Keiji watched as Koutarou took in everything he just said. It took a minute, but Koutarou looked back up at Keiji and his eyes were shining, the gold of the irises glowing in the dark. He seemed apprehensive for a split second before asking, “I know it’s dramatic but is it bad that I want that with you?”

Keiji laughed and buried himself further into the warmth of Koutarou’s chest. “I’d like that,” he replied, holding Koutarou tighter as the other man nuzzled into his hair. Keiji had tactfully left out the part where the narrator knew he was dying and that this was his last wish.

~~~~~~

He was fast asleep, Koutarou’s arm thrown over him when he heard his name.

“ _ Keiji… _ ” 

His eyes opened, groggy and sleep filled. They had fallen asleep with the curtains open, the light of the moon spilling into the room, gray light illuminating a spot on the floor. Outside, the wind blew, rustling against the dead leaves on the ground. Was he dreaming?

“Keiji…” No, that was very clearly a voice. It moved and danced along with the wind and the sounds of the night. “It’s time to wake up now, my love.”

He turned to face Koutarou who was sound asleep, snoring lightly. 

The voice called out to him again, sounding sweet and calming. “Keiji, come on outside,” it said, so achingly soothing. Wrapping a thin blanket around his shoulders, Keiji followed the voice, his feet leading him to the backyard. Standing barefoot on the wet grass was a tall slender woman. She had pale, glowing skin and raven black hair that cascaded down her back in wavy tresses. Despite the late autumn chill, she had on a long silver dress, glitter and sequins sparkling all over. She looked ethereal, like the image of angels seen on a work of art.

When she turned around, Keiji was awestruck. Staring back at him were his own eyes, all stormy gray winds and the shine of gunmetal and nothing like his fathers. She smiled serenely at him. Her lips moved but the sound echoed inside Keiji’s head. 

“You’ve grown beautifully, my sun and stars.”

“Mom...?” Keiji took a step closer to the glowing woman. “Is that really you?”

The woman’s face lit and she closed the distance between them. She was the same height as Keiji. Up close, he couldn’t see any flaws on her face. Everything was smooth and gray, as if she were carved from the finest marble. She reached out and held Keiji’s hands in her cold ones. 

“Yes, Keiji. There hasn’t been a day where I don’t think about you. I’ve watched you grow from a distance. You’ve done very well, Keiji.” She caressed his cheek and he found himself leaning instinctively into it. With her touch came the memories of a baby being left on the doorstep, his father crying in the living room, and small hands reaching up for his father. 

Tears welled up in his eyes and he couldn’t help but lurch forward and hug his mother. She held him back tightly. A sob wracked through Keiji’s body, his chest heaving with every breath he took. He had a mother, he  _ found  _ her. 

When they pulled apart, she held him by the shoulders as he cried and tried to speak in between gasps. “I thought I’d never get to meet you. Why did you leave me? Did you not want me?” 

His mother hushed him and rubbed soothing circles on his back. “Of course, I wanted you. It broke my heart to leave you, but I knew you would be safe here. I just couldn’t bring a child back with me. The plan was always to come back for you when you were an adult and now, you can finally come home.”

Keiji pulled back, wiping his eyes in confusion. “Home? What do you mean?” he asked, gesturing to the building behind him, the one that held all of his childhood memories. “This is my home.”

His mom looked at him sadly, steely gray eyes sympathetic towards her son. “My love, you are not meant for this life. Your body cannot take being here anymore. It is why you are sick,” she said and turned back around. She pointed a slender finger towards the moon. “You have to return from whence you came.” 

“From whence I came…” Keiji repeated back to himself. He suddenly turned to his mother. “What am I?”

His mother held his face in her hands and Keiji had to stop himself from pulling away because of how cold her hands were. “You, my son, are a child of the moon. An immortal spirit of nature. You do not belong here among the mortals of this world. Return home with me and you’ll never know pain. Harm cannot come to you on the moon, the trifles of man cannot affect you there. No death, war, or sickness.”

It sounded perfect until the flash of gold crossed his memory. Wide eyes and loud boisterous laughter. Warm hands enveloping his own. Soft lips on his. The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. “But no love.” 

His mother seemed taken aback by that, her brows rising before gently falling back down, a sad smile on her face. “Oh, my stars, love will never leave you. It transcends time and space. The feelings you had in this life will always be real. While you might forget about him, you will always remember the love you felt as if it were a dream,” she said. 

Keiji tried to consider it, he really did. A world where he would always be at peace, but a world without Koutarou. A life without ever hearing him ask what certain words mean or how he dreams of going professional one day. How Keiji wished to be there every step of the way like he’s always been. 

He took a step back, away from his mother’s embrace. Tears welled up in his eyes before spilling over, leaving sparkling stains on his cheeks. “I don’t want him to be a dream. Not when he has been my reality for the past three years.”

“He is a mortal, Keiji. Some day he will die and return to the stars as well while you continue to live on and wither away on this planet. Why would you choose to go through that type of pain?”

It was the truth, Keiji knew that. She was trying to save him from the pain that will come the day Koutarou inevitably died, leaving Keiji alone in the world. Not even just Koutarou, his father, his friends, his teammates, everyone he has ever loved or cared for will leave him some day while Keiji remains steadfast and unaging.

As heartbreaking as the very idea of mortality was, Keiji couldn’t find it in himself to care. To live forever sounded exhausting. Love, life, and the joys of the world were only important because people have a set time limit. The feeling of possibly running out of time was what drove an entire species to connect, to mingle, to live to the fullest; to feel everything such as the warmth of being in the arms of someone they loved, the anger of being at odds with that very same person, and the pain that comes when they irrevocably break your heart whether it be in death or life. To live life without any of those sounded even more painful. Keiji would be nothing more than a bright star, watching over the earth. 

He craned his head up and stared into the dark, velvety night sky. The stars twinkled and teased him back in their shining light, as if beckoning him to join them. He smiled sadly. “Would I were stedfast as thou art…” he whispered to them. “Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night…”

“Akaashi?” a soft voice called out to him.

He turned and found Koutarou and his father staring at him and his mother, eyes wide in shock. Koutarou approached them cautiously, head bowed slightly in reverence to the woman. When he got close enough, he kneeled in front of her, formally bowing before saying, “Madam, please don’t take him.” 

Keiji sobbed, a choked sound tearing itself from his throat and he knelt down in front of Koutarou. Tears streamed down his eyes as he hugged Koutarou tight, touched by the show of humility in front of his mother. He felt warm tears soaking into his shirt, Koutarou’s shoulders shaking as he held onto Keiji. Pulling away, Koutarou’s watery eyes stared back into his and Keiji’s heart broke further. Koutarou was smiling as tears streaked his cheeks. 

“If I had known that you tonight was your last night on Earth, I would’ve gotten you more gifts,” he joked, voice cracking. 

Keiji shook his head, amazed that Koutarou could even crack jokes right now. He couldn’t help but smile. “Shut up, you oaf,” he chided. “You are the gift I have been wanting my whole life.”

He hadn’t noticed his father closing in on them until he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, a comforting contrast against the cold night. He spoke softly, but his words were final. “Please let him stay,” he begged quietly. 

When Keiji’s mother turned to face him, the elder Akaashi was at a loss for words. That face, those eyes… he hadn’t seen them in 18 years. He had prayed every night that they would show themselves to him again, that he could hold her in his arms once more. She was still as beautiful and ethereal as they day they met.

She looked at him dolefully. “You knew all along that he wasn’t meant for this world, that I would be coming back for him someday,” she said and she held up a hand, her fingers tracing against his cheek. 

The older man felt warm water pool in his eyes. He sniffed and hurriedly wiped them away. “Then let him choose. If you’re going to take him, let it be by his own volition.”

All eyes turned to Keiji who was still comforting Koutarou on the ground. “Keiji,” his mother spoke, her voice mournful and face gray. “It’s time to choose.” 

Keiji took one last look at Koutarou and then at his father who was giving him a resigned smile, ready to painfully accept whatever choice he was going to make. He looked older than Keiji remembered. Has he always had gray hairs and whiskers? The smile lines around his eyes creased deeply, years wearing them down. Memories of long nights sitting outside beside his father flooded Keiji’s mind. Where would he be without him?

Finally, he turned to Koutarou who had stopped crying but was still gripping onto Keiji’s waist. Liquid gold eyes took in Keiji’s every move and the usually loud mouth was silent, lips parted as he traced a shaking finger against Keiji’s facial features, as if trying to commit them to memory. The line of Keiji’s cupid’s bow, the bridge of his nose, the little beauty marks that marked his skin here and there, the crease between his brows. The touch was light and loving. Keiji couldn’t resist. “When we first met and you looked at me, it felt like you were staring into my soul, filling it with gold and light,” he whispered before kissing Koutarou deeply, not caring that his parents were watching. When he pulled away, he placed their foreheads together and quietly recited, “I have nearer climbed out of lonely hell.”

Before Koutarou could ask what he meant, Keiji stood up and faced his mother. “I choose to stay. If that means I become a mortal, then so be it. If it means I live forever on this Earth, then so be it.”

“You will become mortal,” his mother said. She wasn’t surprised by his choice. She had no reason to be. “You will age and die as a human. Be warned, until you take your last breath, I can never speak to you again.”

Keiji nodded slowly, her words sinking in. He sighed. “That’s ok,” he replied, a small smile gracing his lips. “You are always watching over me and when my time comes, I will be with you for an eternity in the sky.”

She walked up to him. For a while, neither one said anything. They simply stared at each other, a wave of resignation flowing between both of them. Finally, his mother smiled, though her eyes were still sad. “I will be waiting for you then, my sun and stars. “ She kissed his eyelids, his cheeks, and his forehead, cold lips on warm skin before pulling Keiji into a bone crushing hug. Keiji returned the gesture with equal fervor. 

When his mother let him, she turned to his father. They embraced and kissed in reverence to their love for each other. Keiji could barely hear his father say, “I’ve waited for you and I will keep waiting for you.” 

His mother ran her hands down her love’s face. “And I will be waiting for you, my love,” she said back. With one last kiss, she turned her attention to Bokuto who stood up to meet her gaze. She smiled at him, more brightly than before and said, “This will be nothing but a dream to you. Please watch over Keiji, for he is  _ our  _ sun and stars.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Bokuto replied, bowing his head. “I swear on my soul, I will never hurt him.”

“Good,” was all she said before kissing him on the cheek.

Walking up to Keiji once more, she took his hands in hers again. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too,” he whispered back, “I know you’ll always be with me.”

She smiled for the last time, accepting and doleful, before closing her eyes and bowing her head in prayer. Before long, the darkness overwhelmed Keiji and he let it consume him.

~~~~~~

_ When stars die, they go out in a bright flurry of colors, sending the very elements of their core, their souls, across the night sky. In constant search of something to ground themselves, they gravitate towards each other, finally meeting in the middle. Together they rebuild themselves into a new whole, something bigger, brighter, and more beautiful than they could’ve created on their own. Together they create life and hope among the emptiness. With such celestial occurrences happening in our universe, is it too much to believe that two humans could do the same? _

_ Humans are built from the cores of stars, their souls created from the fire and light. They are born of something so incredible and divine. Perhaps that is why certain people are drawn to each other. The parts that make up their very being are pulled back to who their souls had originated with. They are being called home. _

~~~~~~

When Keiji awoke, he found himself back in bed, Koutarou’s arm slung over him. How he got back there, he didn’t know. Outside, the late autumn sun spilled in through the window, bringing with it the quiet chirping of mourning doves. Carefully, he unwound himself from Koutarou’s hold, making sure not to wake the older boy. He walked out of the room and into the kitchen, sock clad feet padding softly against the wood floors. 

He found his father sitting at the kitchen table, a forgotten cup of coffee left steaming in front of him as he stared longingly out the window. His father turned to him when he heard Keiji entering. Their eyes met, both sad but undeniably grateful at the same time. Wordlessly, Keiji approached his father and enveloped the older man in a hug and they stayed like that for what felt like an eternity. When they pulled apart, Keiji’s father placed a kiss on his son’s forehead and Keiji could already see the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. 

“We have a lot to talk about, don’t we?” Keiji asked.

“Yes,” his father answered. “But we can wait until after breakfast.” 

Keiji smiled and hugged his father once more before returning to his room. Koutarou was awake and sitting up, eyes wiping away at the last bits of sleep in his eyes. 

“Bokuto-san,” Keiji said, tone dulcet. 

“Oh, ‘Kaashi, there you are,” Koutarou replied. When Keiji was close enough, Koutarou pulled him down to the bed gently and pressed a kiss to his lips and to his nose. “I had the strangest dream last night. You were a god or something and your mom was there and she was trying to convince you to go to the moon with her.”

Keiji smiled as his mother’s words to Koutarou rang in his head.  _ This will be nothing but a dream to you.  _ “That’s a wild fantasy you’ve got there, Bokuto-san,” he chuckled. Keiji held Koutarou’s hands in his and placed soft kisses on the backs of them, thumbs rubbing against the knuckles. Thank you, he thought to himself. He would hold these hands for as long as he shall live.

Koutarou smiled down at the gesture before perking up again. “Oh, you were muttering something before you fell asleep last night. Something about climbing out of hell?” Koutarou’s eyebrows connected in confusion.

Keiji did remember that part. He settled more comfortably next to Koutarou, sinking into the warmth of the bed and of the person next to him. He smiled to himself. “Yeah, I was thinking of another poem.”

“Another one from the book?” Koutarou asked, jutting his chin towards the large tome on Keiji’s nightstand. 

Keiji shook his head. “No, this one is by Tennyson. It goes:

‘Has our whole earth gone near to the glow

Of your soft splendour that you look so bright?

I have climbed nearer out of lonely Hell.

Beat, happy stars, timing with things below

Beat with my heart more blest than heart can tell.

Blest, but for some dark undercurrent woe

That seems to draw- but it will not be so:

Let all be well, be well.’” 

Keiji laced his fingers through Koutarou’s. “It’s a small part of a very long poem but here, the writer is wondering if the earth has moved closer to the stars, for they seem brighter and more beautiful now that the love of his life is here and he is no longer lonely,” he said.

“I have climbed nearer out of lonely Hell,” Koutarou echoed, tightening his hold on Keiji’s hand. 

If there was a way for Keiji to put all of his emotions into a single touch, he would do it again and again, making sure Koutarou never forgets how loved he is and how lucky Keiji felt beside him. Instead, they just laid there, arms and legs entangled, hearts beating in a steady rhythm. They had a lifetime together and everything that that brought with it: love, pain, hope, death, healing.

Keiji continued. “At the end of the poem, he tells the stars to keep beating and shining brightly despite the fact that he doesn’t know for sure that their lives will actually end with them living happily ever after. So he rallies and prays that all will be well.” 

Koutarou was silent for a moment before pulling Keiji closer. He pressed a long kiss to Keiji’s lips, mouths moving languidly against his own. When he pulled away, he smiled softly at Keiji before bringing Keiji’s hands up to his mouth. Mirroring Keiji’s gesture, Koutarou kissed the backs of his hands before moving to the palms. Then he enveloped Keiji’s hands in his own, the heat from his skin quickly seeping into Keiji’s own. Bringing their hands up to his forehead, Keiji could just barely hear Koutarou speaking, his voice uncharacteristically soft. 

“Let all be well,” he whispered against Keiji’s skin, a prayer to the heavens, before looking up.

In an utterance equivalent to ‘amen,’ Keiji placed his forehead against Koutarou’s and finished the poem. “Be well.”

**Author's Note:**

> I love poetry and I love love. This is my first time writing something like this and I hope I managed to convince you all to feel the same things I felt in the process. Love is something cosmic and divine. Trying to put it into words is hard. 
> 
> Poems quoted:  
> "Bright Star" by John Keats  
> "Maud" by Tennyson


End file.
